15 Emotional Intelligent Approaches to Difference
Learning Objectives
By the time you complete this chapter, you should be equipped to:
- Explain why challenging emotions can arise when we interact with those different from ourselves.
- Practice accurately naming emotions.
- Use emotional intelligence strategies to engage more effectively across difference.
Reflection Point
Think back to a situation where you were in a group or team with someone from a different culture than your own. What emotions did you experience? Which were positive? Which were neutral? Which were challenging?
How are these emotional patterns different from when you are spending time with close friends.
When we find ourselves in diverse groups with those who are different from ourselves, particularly in unfamiliar situations, a range of emotions naturally emerge. These emotional responses are not merely personal reactions but are deeply connected to our neurological wiring and social conditioning. Understanding these emotional patterns is essential for developing effective intercultural competence.
The Power of Fear in Cross-Cultural Encounters
Fear is a common emotion that arises when we feel uncertain. When we are relating to those different from ourselves, we might not think that our emotion is fear — but we may be aware that we are experiencing anxiety, uncertainty, apprehension, embarrassment, or powerlessness. It is important to recognize that these are related to fear, and make therefore produce reactions in us that are fear-based.
Fear serves as a critical undercurrent in many intercultural interactions. This emotion is easily triggered when dealing with those we perceive as cultural outsiders, often evoking feelings of anxiety, suspicion, or even panic. As Choudhury (2021) explains, “The emotion of fear—often present in these situations but usually invisible—opens a way to examine the broader, unseen role emotions play in our encounters with those who are, or are perceived to be, different than us” (p. 40). This fear response is not necessarily indicative of conscious prejudice but rather reflects deeply embedded survival mechanisms that have evolved over millennia. When our brains perceive difference, they may interpret it as potential threat, activating protective responses that can interfere with genuine connection.
Three Key Emotional Patterns in Cross-Cultural Interactions
Tilting Toward and Away
Humans naturally gravitate toward those who are most similar to them while moving away from those who are different (Choudhury, 2021). This phenomenon, known as “tilting,” represents an unconscious sorting mechanism that influences our social choices and comfort levels. In intercultural contexts, this tendency can create barriers to meaningful engagement and perpetuate segregation within diverse communities.
Example: In an organizational behaviour class, when the professor announces group project assignments, students unconsciously form groups with others who share similar cultural backgrounds or languages. Sukdeep, a Canadian-born student whose parents immigrated from India, finds himself naturally drawn to work with classmates who share his cultural references and communication style. Meanwhile, Chen, an international student from China, initially tries to join Sukhdeep’s group but feels the subtle resistance and eventually “tilts toward” other international students, where communication feels more comfortable and less effortful.
Emotional Contagion
Our nervous systems are designed to regulate each other when we are in proximity to others. This biological reality means we unconsciously absorb the emotions of those around us. We experience positive feelings when included and tend to withdraw when we feel excluded (Choudhury, 2021). In intercultural settings, this emotional contagion can either facilitate connection or create distance, depending on the emotional climate of the interaction.
Example: At student orientation, the energy in the room shifts dramatically when a group of enthusiastic orientation leaders shares positive stories about their university experiences. Their genuine excitement and joy becomes contagious – new students begin smiling more, asking questions with greater enthusiasm, and the overall mood lifts. Later on, however, when one student shares concerns about feeling isolated, the emotional tone shifts, and other students begin expressing similar worries.
Emotional Triggers and Fight/Flight/Freeze Responses
Strong emotional triggers can activate the fight, flight, or freeze components of our nervous systems (Choudhury, 2021). These responses, while adaptive in genuinely threatening situations, can be counterproductive in intercultural encounters where the perceived “threat” is simply unfamiliarity or difference. When these responses are activated, our capacity for thoughtful, empathetic engagement becomes significantly compromised.
Example: During an English literature discussion about Indigenous literature, a professor asks Matthew, a student from the Katzie First Nation, to share “the Indigenous perspective” on a text. Matthew feels put on the spot. His freeze response activates – he becomes unable to speak, his mind goes blank, and he sits motionless while the class waits for his response. While he wants to advocate for himself and indicate that the professor should not expect him to represent all Indigenous people, he is unable to respond effectively in the pressure of the moment.
The Gap Between Intentions and Actions
A fundamental challenge in intercultural competence lies in the disconnect between our conscious intentions and our actual behaviors. Our emotions and unconscious responses to them often create a significant gap between our intentions and actions in intercultural interactions, particularly when striving to act in anti-racist ways. This gap exists because much of our emotional and behavioral responses occur below the threshold of conscious awareness. We may genuinely desire to be inclusive, equitable, and culturally sensitive, yet find ourselves acting in ways that contradict these values due to unconscious emotional reactions and ingrained biases.
Applying Emotional Intelligence Skills
The EQi 2.0 model of emotional intelligence (Stein and Book, 2011) divides emotional intelligence competencies into five domains and fifteen skills.
| Self-Perception | Self-Expression | Interpersonal | Decision Making | Stress Management |
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Well-balanced emotional intelligence includes the ability to practice each of these skills in relevant situations. Let’s consider how these might be applied to real-life situations.
Case Study: Juno has been volunteering at her local library for a few months, practicing English conversation with women who have recently arrived in Canada. As she finishes up the conversation time one evening, she overhears a young child asking her mother about the Afghan womens’ hijab and style of dress. She hears the mother say that “we live in a free country, so we don’t need to dress like that”. Two of the women in the class overhear the conversation, and begin talking quietly to each other in Dari. Juno wishes that she knew how to respond, but she feels stuck. Later she goes home and spends time time journalling to apply some emotional intelligence skills she is learning to her experience.
Juno practices emotional self-awareness by noticing that she felt angry at the mother, frightened, and embarrassed by her lack of a quick response to the situation. She accepts these emotions as a normal part of her human experience, and tries to learn what they are showing her. She notices that her breathing is shallow, so she practices stress tolerance by pausing for a deep breathing exercise. She spends time to process in her journal, which also supports her self-awareness and stress tolerance. She notices empathy towards the women in her class, who likely felt unwelcome. She also tries to show empathy to the mother, perhaps wondering whether her statement reflects her uncertainties about how to relate interculturally, and perhaps some false beliefs she has learned from others.
Juno practices social responsibility by learning more about Afghan culture and how she can support her students in the future. She also sees that a workshop about anti-racism practices is offered at her university, so she plans to take part next week so that she can develop her skills (self-actualization). Though Juno is sad that she didn’t respond as quickly as she would have liked in the moment, she practices self-compassion and commits to future learning. Rather than becoming discouraged by her experience, her use of emotional intelligence helps her to learn and to continue to grow in her volunteer work.
Reflection Point
Identify a personal experience where you have experienced challenging emotions when working or relating to someone different from yourself. Looking at the list of emotional intelligence skills, identify which skills you applied in that situation. Consider what emotional intelligence skills you might apply in a similar situation in the future.
Addressing Unconscious Responses
Emotional responses are both unconscious and somewhat “hard-wired” into our neural architecture, addressing them requires intentional strategies. This is why emotional self-awareness is especially important. When we don’t name our emotions, we can easily act on them in ways that are outside of our conscious awareness; these actions might lead us to act in ways that we might not choose if we were acting with intention. This is why being aware of our emotions is so important.
Another key skill is self-compassion. The concept of self-compassion was developed by Dr. Kristin Neff (2003). Self-compassion includes three primary practices:
- Extending kindness to ourselves rather than self-criticism. When we are kind to ourselves, as we might be to a friend or family member, we do not speak harshly to ourselves when we make a mistake. This helps us to be more present when we are uncertain of how to respond in challenging intercultural or anti-racism situations. Rather than pulling away when we make a mistake, we can remind ourselves that we are imperfect human beings, that we are still learning, and that we will continue to do our best.
- Recognizing our common humanity. This component involves recognizing that suffering, mistakes, and personal inadequacies are part of the shared human experience rather than something that isolates you from others. When facing difficulties, instead of thinking “Why is this happening to me?” or feeling alone in your struggles, common humanity helps you remember that all humans are imperfect and face challenges.
- Practicing mindful awareness. In this process, we acknowledge the emotions that we experience, without over-identifying with them. We allow difficult emotions to be present in our lives, instead of suppressing them or overfocusing on these difficulties.
Emotional intelligence is a core skill that allows us to be effective when engaging with those different from ourselves (Bal & Kökalan, 2022). When we develop our emotional intelligence, engage in awarness, and respond to our experiences with self-compassion, we are better able to stay present when we encounter challenges. By interrupting the power of fear, we can engage with others according to our values, rather than with unawareness.
Reflection Point: Daily Journaling Practice
Consider implementing a daily journaling practice focused on emotional awareness . This practice can include reflecting on three key questions:
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What gave me joy today?
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What was challenging about today?
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What emotions did I feel? When? With whom?
This structured reflection helps develop the habit of emotional awareness and creates a record of patterns over time.
Chapter References
Bal, Y., & Kökalan, Ö. (2022). The moderating effect of cultural intelligence on the relationship between emotional intelligence and job satisfaction. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 900546. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.900546
Choudhury, S. (2021). Deep diversity. Greystone Books.
Stein, S., & Book, H. E. (2011). The EQ edge: Emotional intelligence and your success (3rd ed). Jossey-Bass.
AI Use Statement:
Examples in this chapter have been modified from content generated by Perplexity AI. (2025). Perplexity (May 27 version) [Large language model]. https://www.perplexity.ai
